The Trouble With Tribbles
by Tracy Space Cowgirl
Summary: Simon buys Kaylee a pet tribble. You can guess where it goes from there. Obviously borrows a concept from Star Trek


The Trouble With Tribbles  
by Tracy

Rating: PG

Spoilers: Set sometime within the run of "Firefly", after "Jaynestown".

Summary: Simon buys Kaylee a pet tribble. You can guess where it goes from there.

Disclaimer: Very, Very Obviously not mine. Tribbles belong to to Star Trek- Roddenberry's heirs, Paramount, etc. and Firefly is Whedon's. I'm just playing, of course. g

Author's Note: I'm very proud of myself for one particular line in this fic. Can you guess which? g

Fits **fanfic100** prompt #77- What?

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"What in the hell is that?" Wash looked at the box cradled in Simon's arms- the box that was currently moving up and down.

"It's a present. For Kaylee."

"You got her something that moves? Because speaking as the old married man here, I have to tell you that the womenfolk usually like gifts that don't move of their own volition. You know, things like jewellery or clothing, on in Zoe's case, a nice big gun. "

Simon rolled his eyes. "If I show you what's in the box, will you shut up and stop bugging me?"

"Most likely." The pilot nodded. "Unless it's something really mock-able, and then I'll never shut up."

"Fine." Simon walked over to the table in the galley, and plopped the box down. With a sigh, he opened the box and withdrew a small brown of fur.

The ball of fur trilled, happy to be out of the box.

"Shumma…" Wash muttered, staring at the creature. "What in the 'verse is that?"

"The merchant on the space station called it a Tribble. They're supposed to be very low maintenance, they don't eat much, and they don't take up much space. I thought it might bring Kaylee out of the mood she's been in lately."

Wash tried not to laugh, knowing rather well that Kaylee's grouchy mood as of late had been caused by Simon and his inability to tell her how he felt. The courting period wasn't an easy one- he was glad that he was past that awkward stage in his own relationship. No flowers, no fights, no gooey language, just fun, fun Zoe loving.

"Can I hold it?" Wash reached out and cradled it in his hands. The tribble cooed. "He's a cute little bugger, isn't he?" Wash petted the creature gently with one hand. "I think Kaylee will like it. But have you thought about how Mal will react? He doesn't take too kindly to pets. It took me forever to convince him to let me have my dinosaurs aboard, and they're plastic."

Simon shrugged. "I wasn't planning on telling him. What he doesn't know won't hurt him." The doctor took the tribble from wash and put it back in the box.

"I kind of liked the little guy. Why'd you take him back?"

"Because it's a gift for Kaylee. And she could come waltzing in here at any moment, and I really want to surprise her."

"A gift? For me?" Kaylee entered the room, closely followed by River. "Simon, you got me a gift? That's so sweet!"

"Yeah….I did." Simon's face quickly took on a reddish flush. "I thought you could use something to cheer you up." He handed the box to her.

"You would get a better response with a two-headed monkey." River said glibly. "Wipe us out, the balls of fur will."

The box jiggled in Kaylee's hands. Her eyes grew large. "Is it supposed to be moving?"

"Just open it." Simon urged.

Kaylee opened the box and took out the tribble, which broke into a loud song in her hands. "If that ain't the sweetest thing ever!" She exclaimed, stroking the small creature gently. "I love it." She was silent for a second. "Just, what, exactly is it?"

"It's a Tribble. You know, your own little pet. All they take is a bit of need is a bit of water, and a bit of protein paste to survive. I thought you might need a friend, since you've been so down lately."

Kaylee smiled. What she really needed was for Simon to walk over here and kiss her desperately, but a nice little pet would tide her over for the time being. "Thanks, Simon. It's darling. I love it." She leaned over and kissed him quickly on the cheek. "I think I'll name it…Simon. So now you have more than just a hamster named after you."

Simon the tribble let out a loud series of trills.

A shit eating grin spread over Simon's face, astounded and pleased by the kiss. "I think he likes his name."

"And why wouldn't he?" Kaylee rubbed her pet lovingly. "Simon knows a good name when he sees it."

"Can I have what's left behind?" River reached into the box and drew out a smaller ball of fur, a tiny baby tribble with soft white fur.

"You bought a pet that was knocked up?" Wash laughed. "Two for one special, huh?"

Simon gazed down at the baby. He'd only wanted one tribble- one tribble would be easy to sneak past Mal, but would two be? Simon started to say no, that he would sell it at their next stop, but the look of contentment and wonder on his sister's face gave him pause. He couldn't deny River anything that made her happy. "Sure mei-mei. It's yours."

River smiled. "Come on Spike." She said, cradling her tribble. "Got to clear out room for when they come around the mountain."

"It's darling." Inara said, petting Simon the Tribble.

"Isn't it just?" Kaylee gushed. "I can't believe Simon got me a gift! And one so cute!"

"With men, you just have to be patient. Eventually, one day they seem to wake up and remove their head from their ass." _Except for Mal_ Inara thought silently. _Waiting for Mal is like waiting for Godot_. "I've seen it over and over again."

Kaylee frowned. "Are they usually this dense? All the other guys that I've known…it was easy. And then with Simon, it's like this crazy wacky dance that I don't even know the steps to! Everything used to be simple, and now it's just a big gorram mess!"

"Sex can be simple. Love is always hard. The two are very, very different, mei-mei."

"I know, I know." Kaylee sighed. "Do you reckon he might have feelings for me, too?"

Inara smiled. "Just how many other girls have you seen him buying precious little bundles of fur for?" Inara looked down at her palm, and was shocked to see two tribbles instead of one, beside Simon was an auburn colored tuft of fur. "I think it just had a baby!"

"Simon did that before!" Kaylee picked up her pet, and looked it all over, carefully. "We gave the baby to River, so she'd have a fuzzy little pet of her own. I just can't figure out where in the heck they're coming from, though."

"It is quite weird." Inara looked at the tiny auburn tribble. "Would you mind terribly if I kept this one, Kaylee?"

"He's all yours." The mechanic said with a smile. "Look at us here, two desirable ladies each with a majestic little pet of our own. There's not a man in the verse who will be able to resist us."

Wash smiled down at the black ball of fur in his hands. River had approached him with the tiny tribble, the child of River's pet, Spike. It was so cute and adorable, and it needed a home. Mal wasn't liable to find out about something so small.

Besides, he needed a pet. He'd wanted to keep one of the black market beagles that they'd transported a few weeks back, but their old stick of a mud of a Captain wouldn't let him keep it. Tribbles weren't loud, or big, or messy, and that's what Mal had fussed about. And as Simon had said, Mal didn't even need to know.

He knew that Zoe would fall in love with the creature.

"Hey Darlin'." He called, entering their room. "Have I got a surprise for you…"

Jayne reached for Vera, his most favorite gun in creation. Vera was a work of beauty, exquisitely crafted, awesomely powerful, and as deadly as hell. It was time to clean Vera, a ritual that Jayne undertook at least once a week. Vera was a work of art, and it took work to keep her in pristine shape.

He took Vera apart, lovingly spreading her parts across the bed in front of him.

"Oh Gorram it!" Jayne growled, on discovering that there was something wedged in Vera's barrel. If his gun was damaged, there would be hell to pay.

Jayne reached in the barrel and withdrew a brown ball of fur, which promptly trilled in his face.

Startled, he screeched and flung it across his room. Ever resilient, the tribble rolled back towards Jayne and trilled at his feet.

"What in the hell are you, you mangy ball of fuzz?" He growled, picking the creature up. Jayne looked it all over, trying to figure out if it was a weapon or a rodent. He couldn't make hides nor tails of what in the 'verse it could be. He put it down on his bunk, glaring at the creature. "You're lucky I'm letting you live. Just because you're…not…loathsome….If you're gonna stay here, furball, then you're gonna have to learn to respect Vera as the fearsome wonder she is."

Not even a fierce and fearsome mercenary was immune to the hypnotizing adorableness of a tribble.

"What in the ruttin' hell is that?" Mal growled. An extremely annoying noise- as if a whole group of people were talking, no singing all at once- sounded outside his door. If his crew was having a party that was causing him to loose precious shuteye, well, there would be hell to pay. And chores. Several thousand painful chores. For everyone.

He arose from bed and peeked out to the hallway, which was completely empty. The noise was louder than ever. Mal followed it, and found the source to be a ceiling panel a few meters away from his room. Letting a string of colorful words flow, he reached up and tore the panel away from the ceiling.

An avalanche of tribbles flowed over Mal, quickly burying him. It took several minutes for him to get his head above the crowd. "Euuuuugh." He groaned, spitting out clumps of fur from his mouth. Tribbles continued to fall on Mal as he tried to wade away from the mess of animals, bonking him on the head at irregular intervals.

When Mal finally broke free of the Tribbles, he quickly made his way to the bridge, sidestepping other piles of the trilling animals. The bridge was absolutely covered in the fuzzy creatures. "Tshai boo shr" he growled, reaching for the intercom.

"EVERY LAST GORRAM MEMBER OF MY CREW IS REQUIRED TO COME TO THE BRIDGE! NOW!" He yelled into the speaker.

Eight faces stared back at him, and each of the eight faces looked back at him with a measure of guilt, as well as a measure of sleepiness. Each of his eight crew members held a tribble of their very own.

"Just who exactly would like to explain what is these gorram creatures are?"

"They're Tribbles. They eat, sleep, breathe, and reproduce. We each have one as a pet." River said calmly.

Mal shook his head. "I don't seem to recall anyone asking me for permission to have a pet on board. I would remember that, yes I would. I remember Wash asking me for a Beagle, and I recall saying no to that. Nobody ever thought to ask me about bringing a whole boatload of fuzzy noisy furballs on my ship, though did they?"

"It was only one. It just multiplied like an intergalactic bunny." River said, holding Spike up in Mal's face. "You can't be mad at bunnies."

"Oh, I can be plenty mad at bunnies when they're taking over my ship." Mal growled. "Nobody wanted to warn me, the owner of this boat about this invasion of intergalactic bunnies?"

"Capt'n, It was my fault. I have, like the alpha tribble."

"Mei-Mei, I never knew you could be so gorramed foolish! I oughta…" Mal grabbed Simon the tribble from Kaylee. "I oughta…"

Shepard Book reached out and took Simon from Mal. "Tribbles are God's creatures, Mal. You'd do good to remember that. There's a place for all creatures in this universe."

"Yeah, well, the place isn't on my ship!" Mal sighed. "If these little fluffy things cause damage, Kaylee, it's coming out of your share from the next job!"

"No!" Simon exclaimed. "It's not Kaylee's fault. I gave her the tribble as a gift. I had no idea of knowing that it would multiply like it did!"

"You didn't think about researching an animal before you bought it? Giving it some sort of examination or something? Chun zi!"

"Dammit Mal, I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian!"

Jayne tried to hold back a laugh, but couldn't keep his mirth concealed.

"You think this is funny, Jayne?" Mal seethed

"Well, sorta…." He choked back his laughter. "I just like seeing Doctor Fancy Pants taken down a peg or three. That's the best entertainment ever."

Mal hit the instrument panel in frustration. "I'll tell you what. You, Mr. Giggles, Dr. Fancy Pants, and the rest of you- I want you to get every single last one of these gorram creatures off of my ship and into the spare shuttle. And after you've got them all rounded up, you're going to find some rock to drop them all off on. You should all feel lucky that I'm not ditching you all with the rest of these bothersome things. GET TO IT!" He yelled, storming off the bridge.

Tribbles hit Mal in the head as he left the bridge.

Today Canton is known as the number one source for tribbles in the universe. No one exactly knows how the planet went from a mudding world to being a petting zoo and breeding colony; possibly because the former mudders don't wish to reveal how their sudden landfall came to be.

The statue of the Hero Of Canton, Jayne Cobb, can still be viewed at it's new home, in majestic Simon the Tribble Plaza.


End file.
